Insane in the Membrane...

Today started with me bra less, trying to outrun the school bus to get to my kids before it did. I apologize for the vision.

My daughter had forgotten her lunch money and my son had forgotten to have an important paper signed, due back today. I peeled out of the driveway hitting the corner too fast, my car up on 2 wheels…well…not really but I need you feel me…My heart was racing I was sweating. I got to the bus stop just in time for my son to say "Mom, the bus is here, I don't have time to do this"! and with that, they both got on the bus. Now what!!??  It was clear to me that she would literally starve to death without her lunch money and he would be hauled off to Juvie without his paper signed and I single handedly could have avoided all of this for them. *Sigh…how dramatic! ...failed again. I immediately headed back home with the “put your fuckin’ seat belt air horn” dinging in my ears, I began to swear and scream at the top of my lungs hitting the steering wheel and crying, to then look back and see that the back window was open and people could hear me... definitely a cringe worthy moment. Just a regular Thursday morning in my world lately…#killme

I think what comforts me is that I am aware that I am losing it. I wonder how many people around me are aware of it too? Everything is an extreme. I’m either Nauseous or starving…freezing or overheating so much, I’m afraid of waking up as a pile of ashes in the morning…I suppose I wouldn’t be waking up if I were to self-combust…anyways I think you get the idea. Fatigue and body pain, too lazy to take my vitamins but then complain that I’m deficient. Too Young to retire! Too old and out of shape to throw caution to the wind and take up pole dancing! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Ok…so something is definitely up. Or definitely off. Fits of laughter or fits of crying and rage can all happen in a span of 5 minutes. Can You give me a Hell Yeah! I think it’s the Big M…Menopause. Or Pre menopause or premature pre menopause…whatever the hell it is, it needs to be stopped.

In the name of Love...

My Boyfriend and I had a conversation one night about how we don’t have any common hobbies or interests other than lying on the couch. He proposed the idea of working out together. He thought it would be good to spend that time together and I agreed.

Sweet Jesus…what was I thinking? He is a mass of muscles and strength and I break a sweat answering the phone.

So…I did what anybody in my position would do. I went out and spent $200 on a new outfit. It was nice or so I thought until I saw my reflection in the 50 mirrors they have hanging in the gym. I looked like an over-stuffed sausage! Confidence…-5.

The Rowing Machine…Looks easy enough. You strap your feet in and reach for the handles. Right? Ummm, that’s if you CAN reach the handles! What the hell…My boobs and my belly were in the way…I literally could not reach them without crushing my spleen. “Be Cool Jo”… all eyes are on you (or so I thought). It could have been my obvious struggle or the fact that they could see my birthmark through my ridiculously tight pants. So I pretend like I’m stretching…extend the legs and reach! Nope…fail…missed. Pretend like you were just stretchin’ out the old back. Sorry Spleen, But I’m going in… If medically possible, I think I damaged my ‘muffin-top’.
By now I’d say I’m warm so I do a quick 5 minutes on this bad boy while stealing glances at my man hoping he’s not gazing over at me.

Now, we pump iron…For the love of god I am so weak. I’m pushing 40lbs and the Hulk is pushing 300lbs. That can’t be healthy.

All that to say, I did it, I lived through it…I survived the first week. Did it bring us closer together? Time will tell. If I develop a six pack and a rock-hard ass, I will be one grateful Mama.

To Be Continued…