C'mon Inner Peace, I Don't Have All Day!

And suddenly just like that, I made a decision that I am happy with and that has not left me riddled with soul crushing guilt. Can I get an Amen!

I took a year off work…I like to call it a sabbatical, it makes me sound important… like I have somewhere very important I have to travel to and save lives. In actuality, I’m just trying to get my shit together.

My health is the worst it’s ever been and my ass is larger than it’s ever been. So Game on!

Day 1 of my “Sabbatical” consisted of starting the KETO diet and making a commitment to “move” every single day.

Hot Yoga was on the menu for Day 1: Soooo, the room is set to 100 degrees. I walk in and I am punched in the face with an incredible surge of humidity. Dear God, I already can’t breathe. The other Yogi’s, ‘Girl with glistening abs’, ‘and her friend ‘I could drive a bike in between the space in her thighs’ look over at me with real concern. What!? I’m fine! #judgejudy’s

I find the furthest corner way at the back where I can full on hide. It’s so quiet in there that you could hear a pin drop. That my friends, is when I drop my water bottle and…yes…scream. Who friggin’ screams like that?? I dropped my water, not a baby! 

I saunter over to the corner and start to set up. I lie down on my back because that’s what everyone else is doing and I begin with some ‘self-talk’…there’s quotes all over the internet about how we should think and speak to ourselves. Ya…. well, mine went a little like: “oh my god I’m such a Moron…so much for being incognito, everyone is looking at you…what is that sound? Is that my breathing? What am I? A PUG? I should just leave before I make a fool of myself” I know, I know, I will keep working on that.

The class went fairly well until about halfway through when the teacher started to notice me. It wasn’t hard, I was the purple one in the back corner. 

She started walking towards me, “No No No….people will see you talking to me! what do you want?” she crouches down and starts to whisper to me “ are you ok”? "No I’m not ok!!!???? I’ve just lost half the water in my body and it’s on your beautiful bamboo floor"! Now I’m embarrassed. 

She brought me extra blocks and a belt. That’s because I need the extra help seeing as my Boobs and belly keep getting in the way. #SoSexy . We stand up and the teacher asks us to gaze into the mirror and make a promise to yourself…a plan for the day…an affirmation. All I could think about was “ I should look way better in $100 yoga pants” “I look like I’m having a stroke” “ This sports bra makes me look like I have only ONE boob”. I'm so not 'ZEN'.

Finally the class is over and I hightail it out of there! What the F@%!# was I thinking. Hot Yoga is like childbirth. You forget how brutal it is until you find yourself back in the same situation.

All kidding aside, I am proud of myself and this new adventure I am on. I’m excited to share my crazy stories with you as you come along with me for the ride. 

Namaste.

I Soooooo Would Have Done This To My Mom...

So my daughter has signed up for a Humanitarian trip to go built a schoolhouse in the mountains of Mexico. Why? Why can’t you go with the other kids to Europe and shop at Harrod's!? Waltz down the Louvres gnawing on a baguette, catch an Opera in Vienna or have tea in London, flirt with all the Italian stallions in Italy! you could even go examine DAVID'S crotch in Florence. (a Michelangelo reference). I would allow that!

Nope , she’s decided to save the world. I know I know…Isn’t this what I have spent the last 16 years doing? Instilling values and compassion for others and giving back to the less fortunate??? Shit, what was I thinking.

She will be gone for 20 days and there will be no contact during that time as they have no electricity or running water, so they definitely don’t have WIFI. * Breath Mama Breath* 20 days no contact???? Are they insane!?

If I panic, she will panic. I have to act like it’s no big deal, it will fly by. I won’t even notice she’s gone. I won’t have to share the bathroom with her in the morning. I can get ready on my own!! 
I’m going to die without her, I can’t think about it without getting the shakes.

Fast-forward to departure day….

All the families are at the airport. Taking pictures and joking about how hungry all the kids are going to be living on black beans and corn tortillas. Hahahahahahahaha! 
“It’s Not Funny”!!!! I’ve already pictured her gaunt and bony and shivering in a corner after she’s run out of the 12 meal replacement bars and the box of fruit roll ups I shoved into her backpack. The sugar in those should keep her alive for days. 
It’s too soon to joke people!!!!

The kids gather up their bags to leave and my heart sinks. What would it take at this very moment to convince her to stay? A Car? Rhianna Concert Tickets? A car? I’m desperate. What if this is the last time I see her? What if this was all the time I was given with her and this was it. Grace wraps her arms around me and tells me she loves me and that she will be ok…I can’t speak…literally…. I can’t fall apart in front of her and the rest of the group. Have I blogged before about my ugly cry? Ya…not good. 
I watch her walk away and I instantly shut down. Grace? Grace who? I don’t know a Grace. If I pretend she doesn’t exist, then I can’t be sad. Yes, Yes…I know…It’s F&%#@! Up. But it kinda’ worked. Well, until day 15 anyways and then we heard from her:

Hi guys!! It's grace, We just got wifi! We left the village today and we're now at the most beautiful little hostel called gundi y Tomas. The village was so amazing so I won't even start. Everything was amazing except for me having bruised hips (literally) from sleeping on my wooden bed. We made tamales and spent the day at the beach. I didn't think we would have wifi so I'm not even sure what to say to you. This trip is the most amazing thing that I've ever done. I have never been this happy and content. Everything about this trip has been so much more than I could have wished for. I don't even know how this is real life. I can't wait to tell you guys about it, I miss you guys and I love you so much❤❤

It was a full-fledged funeral cry. I couldn’t wipe the tears away fast enough. Then of course I responded in gibberish with something to the affect of " I prayed you were happy and was scared you were cold at night and had a bad pillow and then went into something about not having been breathing since she was gone" which she of course, so sweetly responded, "aw Mama". And then I imagined her turning to her friends and having a giggle-fest about how her Mom was having yet another breakdown. 

So I have since opened her door and gone in. It's been 18 days. I was greeted with a punch in face by the most putrid smell! What in god's name!?? 

Well, hindsight is 20/20 and I probably should have gone in after she left and removed her Macdonald's McFlurry we bought her for her "Last taste of heaven" before she left for 3 weeks. #barf

Well, she is finally coming home tomorrow and she has messaged us to let us know that for supper tomorrow night, she would like her Dad to make " Steak. No rice!! Never again, rice. With Kraft dinner. Oh and a poutine. And a hot dog. And cold juice". 

I have cleaned her room and fluffed her pillows and most importantly charged her phone and laptop as I'm sure she will be wearing out the keypads on her return. 

Has it ever happened to you that you could see into the future? 
And by future, I mean tomorrow at the airport when she arrives. Like, I know I will cause a scene. 
I so desperately want to embrace her and have 1 tear trickle down my cheek. You know, classy-like not Sophie's choice like. But deep down I know it will involve the ugly cry and I swear I will do everything in my power to not drop to my knees. It's inevitable, I know I will embarrass her. So, I will do everything in my power to control myself. 
Until I get to the car...

Thank you for listening to a crazy mothers profession of love ❤