And suddenly just like that, I made a decision that I am
happy with and that has not left me riddled with soul crushing guilt. Can I get
an Amen!
I took a year off work…I like to call it a sabbatical, it
makes me sound important… like I have somewhere very important I have to travel
to and save lives. In actuality, I’m just trying to get my shit together.
My health is the worst it’s ever been and my ass is larger
than it’s ever been. So Game on!
Day 1 of my “Sabbatical” consisted of starting the KETO diet
and making a commitment to “move” every single day.
Hot Yoga was on the menu for Day 1: Soooo, the room is set to
100 degrees. I walk in and I am punched in the face with an incredible surge
of humidity. Dear God, I already can’t breathe. The other Yogi’s, ‘Girl with
glistening abs’, ‘and her friend ‘I could drive a bike in between the space in
her thighs’ look over at me with real concern. What!? I’m fine! #judgejudy’s
I find the furthest corner way at the back where I can full
on hide. It’s so quiet in there that you could hear a pin drop. That my
friends, is when I drop my water bottle and…yes…scream. Who friggin’ screams
like that?? I dropped my water, not a baby!
I saunter over to the corner and
start to set up. I lie down on my back because that’s what everyone else is
doing and I begin with some ‘self-talk’…there’s quotes all over the internet
about how we should think and speak to ourselves. Ya…. well, mine went a
little like: “oh my god I’m such a Moron…so much for being incognito, everyone
is looking at you…what is that sound? Is that my breathing? What am I? A PUG? I
should just leave before I make a fool of myself” I know, I know, I will keep working on that.
The class went fairly well until about halfway through when
the teacher started to notice me. It wasn’t hard, I was the purple one in the
back corner.
She started walking towards me, “No No No….people will see you talking to me! what do you want?” she
crouches down and starts to whisper to me “ are you ok”? "No I’m not ok!!!???? I’ve
just lost half the water in my body and it’s on your beautiful bamboo floor"! Now I’m embarrassed.
She brought me extra blocks and a belt. That’s because I
need the extra help seeing as my Boobs and belly keep getting in the way. #SoSexy . We
stand up and the teacher asks us to gaze into the mirror and make a promise to yourself…a
plan for the day…an affirmation. All I could think about was “ I should look
way better in $100 yoga pants” “I look like I’m having a stroke” “ This
sports bra makes me look like I have only ONE boob”. I'm so not 'ZEN'.
Finally the class is over and I hightail it out of there! What
the F@%!# was I thinking. Hot Yoga is like childbirth. You forget how brutal it
is until you find yourself back in the same situation.
All kidding aside, I am proud of myself and this new
adventure I am on. I’m excited to share my crazy stories with you as you come
along with me for the ride.
Namaste.
