My boyfriend
and I had a fight the other night...
No I’m not about to air my dirty laundry.
Ok…well
maybe a bit, but there is a point to all this, I swear!
So what I took away from this argument was that
I seemed to have gotten use to just letting my boyfriend do everything for me like
a damsel in distress and let him pay for everything, because I
normally don't have 2 nickels to rub together. So essentially, I appear to be a selfish lazy duck. Look, we all know I didn’t type duck just there but we can leave it as is. So ya, I
got called out. Supposedly lying on the couch and directing him on how to hang our curtains, without actually being in the same room as him, is a faux pas *cringe* wasn't my best moment.
So, I cried myself to sleep and iced my eyes the
next day in order to see. When he left for work I cleaned the house at the speed of 5
people. Yes, purely out of wanting to prove I wasn’t a selfish duck. So, as I lie
here in bed with a body that feels like I completed a triathlon...I reflect.
I reflect on why I’m so unhappy and I can’t find the answer. So instead I think
back to a time that I was my happiest. When was that?
Oddly enough, I came to the conclusion that,
that time was when I had left an abusive relationship, became a single Mom
overnight to a 15 year old, a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 month old baby. I had no
money and had family and friends buying my food for me and helping to pay my rent and
bills. So what the duck!? Why? I mean, yes I remember being happy. I was lonely
and scared but I felt so alive. I owned a ladder and did small repairs. Like, come on...that's big. I
didn't have anyone to come to my rescue, I had to be my own hero.
When
Kevin came into our lives I was so happy. He took care of me and helped me.
Took care of my heart and became my partner. He fixed things and shovelled, dear god he shovelled! Then it hit me. It hit me as the codeine was
kicking in and the pain in my sore housecleaning body started to relax. I felt
alive back then because I was self-sufficient. I
was proud of myself. I was a survivor. So in my spite today, I felt alive. Sore,
but alive. I went online and googled how to install a charging dock for my
Dyson vacuum, I carried things and moved things that were way too heavy. #codeine and
I felt accomplished. So I guess the reason for my blog/rant is that I realized that
I wasn’t happier back then because I was alone or happier or because I was younger
and sexier (I was pretty sexy back then ;) but I was happy because I felt empowered. Because every single day I
figured stuff out for myself and didn’t sit back like a lazy duck and let
someone else do it. I was my own hero.
So Ladies, Hear me roar! Burn your bras and
install those Dyson charging docks and do what makes you feel alive.
#peace
