Finn Stiffler...

Just as our life had topped out on the stress-o-meter…We decided to bring a new puppy home. I’m not really sure what we were thinking, but nonetheless we were doing it.

We drove 2 ½ hours to meet our new little bundle of joy. We were so excited to get there and meet him and his parents. We pulled up in the driveway and standing there at the front door was the puppies’ dad. He was a cross between a Boxer and The Hulk. This dog did NOT look like this in pictures. Can dogs be on steroids? Kev and I stopped in our tracks and our jaws dropped. Dear god if our new puppy grows up to be half this size we are screwed. We tried to play it cool and walked up to the front steps, not before being kidney punched and crotch kicked by this gigantic beauty. Don’t get me wrong, this dog was gorgeous and sweet as hell but I’m not so sure I could afford to feed him or survive playtime! 

We went inside the house to meet our pup and were greeted by all these adorable puppies! We met our little one and fell in love instantly. It was love at first site. We have a chat with the family and assure them that we will take good care of him and will send pics and updates. Then the Mama dog came over to us and jumped up on my daughter and gives her a nuzzle and a kiss and then to Kevin and then me. Was she saying ‘please don’t take my baby’? Or was she saying ‘take care of my baby’? Either way my friends, this is where I lose my shit. I went into the famous Joanne ‘funeral cry’. I tried to hide my face, which I couldn’t and then I heard Kevin say ‘Oh love, are you ok’? Oh god, I couldn’t control it and was in a full blown cry. I felt awful for taking this dog’s baby. I pulled it together out of shear embarrassment and thanked them and we head home. My eyes continue to leak all the way home as I watch my daughter cradle this sweet sweet puppy.

We went back and forth on what to call him. Our six year old pup’s name is Ben, so we thought about calling the new puppy Jerry. Get it? Ben & Jerry. We thought it was so clever. Until our teenagers told us it was “cringy”… (*insert heavy eye roll here). We contemplated Riley but he didn’t look like a Riley. My husband and 16 year old son wanted to call him Stiffler, which was a hard NO from me as that would make me, Stiffler’s Mom. For those of you that have seen the movie American Pie, you may find the humor in that. For those who haven’t, please don’t google ‘Stiffler’ on your work computer. You will be flagged by the IT department and find yourselves unemployed. In the end, we settled on Finn. 

Our creator was very wise in deciding to make these little assholes so cute. Without that, they wouldn’t live past the first few months of their lives. He went from the angelic bundle of sweetness to lunatic fringe overnight. Between 24/7 pee clean up and the chewing of anything he can get his teeth on, it’s a full time job. Playing with him is like wrestling with Edward scissor hands. His teeth are like little razor blades. He pierced my husband’s ear this morning without his consent. His pillow had so much blood on it that it looked like he had been shot. He was also single-handedly responsible for me exposing myself to the neighbors. I took the dogs out for a pee first thing in the morning and wrapped my housecoat around me securely, or so I thought, and stepped into my backyard. It didn't take much. His teeth snagged the corner of my housecoat and like a Chippendale dancer and their tear-away pants, it was off me in a flash. "Sorry about that Harold" or whatever your name is looking at me from across the backyard. Imagine that, he didn't even have to buy me dinner first. #humiliated

His first family told us that he was a Boxer Collie Mix but I am positive there is a Basset Hound somewhere in the blood line. Guaranteed our neighbors think someone is being tortured in our house. I tried having a shower this morning and like you’d do with a new baby, you bring them into the bathroom with you so that you can keep an eye on them. It was eventful to say the least. ‘ChewBARKA got up on the side of the tub and started to knock over each bottle balancing on the side of my tub. Now close your eyes and imagine this scene…I’ve just put conditioner in my hair and now the bottom of the tub is a slick danger zone. As the first bottle connects with my baby toe I am howling as loud as this little devil. I dodge the other bottles falling on me as the tub became an indoor slip and slide. I turn the shower off and whip the curtain open like I’m Jack from the SHINING. I was spent. I had been awake for 15 minutes and I was already done for the day. 

I wrestled my bra out of his teeth, got dressed and made it out of the house alive.

“Not today SATAN”…