2 years ago... my Children announced to me that I was "killin' their Christmas vibe". That I had supposedly stated a few times that "I hate Christmas"...to be honest I thought I was just saying it in my head but it's been confirmed over and over again that it was out loud. I actually felt really bad, these poor kids haven't had an easy life and here's old crotchety Mama Scrooge putting a damper on their spirits. Soooo, last year I really rolled in sugar for them. I decorated the house and put those tacky little red velvet bows on every single surface that would hold them. I played Christmas Carols and kept announcing " I Love Christmas"! Listen, they knew I was full of shit but they didn't care. They got to have spunky Mama instead of the one they had the Christmas before.
So here we are, approaching yet another beautiful Christmas Season and I have decorated and even done some shopping. I hate Christmas!!!! I bloody well despise it!!!! There I said it.
I have realized something huge in all this and maybe where all of this comes from.{Insert depressing paragraph here} I was in a very abusive marriage for 15 years. Once I left, It took me a hell of a lot of therapy and lots of frontal-lobe pills to get me through and back from the dark side. I was alone raising my kids and lived on VERY little money. For almost 10 years I juggled money from one bank account to the other and used every trick and all the budgeting advice I could find to just get through. Every single day was a struggle. So this my friends was what turned me off of Old St Nick. The fact that I could never afford to buy my kids presents or buy things for my family and friends who helped me out in every way they could was crippling. It was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life. The truth is, the pills and the therapy helped me get past the abuse but the after effects of the struggle and fear of losing everything has never gone away. My financial situation has improved drastically yet I think about money and worry about it on a daily basis. So when Christmas rolls around so does my anxiety.
If I had a pile of money in the bank and I could get my kids everything they wanted...then I could enjoy it and not worry about having to choose between my car payment and heat for the feeling I get when I watch my kids unwrap their gifts.
That paragraph made me want to curl up in the fetal position and moan softly to myself...
This year, my boyfriend and I finally agreed to 'No gift exchange' between the two of us. Thank the Lord! Can I get an Amen?...He is the most giving man I have ever met. His gifts to me are always so extravagant and expensive and I can NEVER...EVER come close to being equal with him in the gift-giving sense. I buy him a 25$ Tim Horton's gift card and mug? And he buys me a 500$ lens for my camera as a stocking stuffer. KILL ME. Anyhooo, That's done, he agreed...no gifts. Why do I feel like he will get to me through my kids? Well, less than 2 weeks until Christmas and I will have to wait and see.
Happy Holidays Ya Filthy Animals...
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